Friday 4 December 2015

Existence

In 11 days i have major surgery, A hysterectomy. I will go in and come out again, if all goes well. I will deal with this alone, and i doubt i'll have visitors whilst i am in. A nurse will come and maybe check on me when i go home, and days of mindless tv and stitching will be it for the first couple of weeks.

Today is housework, cardmaking and mindless tv. No phonecalls will break my day and the only post is christmas presents for people who have no time for me. My own flesh and blood, not my son, but my other family , my mum, my brother, people who are meant to like you, love you, etc.

I am making cards for people who don't ring, or text, and i'll post these cards at 95p a time, knowing that they will end up in a bin somewhere. Yes christmas time is here. And i feel no christmas spirit. I feel no joy, or happiness. I feel very alone and going out in the outside world is no longer an option. I have been made fully aware i don't fit. i have no purpose, no use other than to bring up my son and support him through what live throws at him. That is my only reason to exist.

I have no idea what i can do, other than keep going for my son, and hide the fact inside i feel dead and numb. As for this, no one will read it, no one will care and i just share my thoughts to the vastness of the world wide web. Another place i don't fit in either.

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